Surviving Holiday Grief
If you're here reading this article because you've lost your mom or another loved one, you know how painful and lonely the holidays can seem without them. Holidays are about family and are supposed to be full of joy and laughter. However, when someone we love so much is no longer with us, the holidays often feel like a weight of grief and pain holding us down. Motherloss can be especially difficult during the holidays because it is usually our mom who was always the one who kept the family together. She was the one ingredient that made the holidays complete. So what do you do to make it through this time of year without going completely crazy?
This year, on November 6, 2011, marked the 30th anniversary of my mother's death. At times it seems like several lifetimes ago and at other times it feels like it just happened yesterday. I was just 16 when she died - a full life still ahead of me. My mother would never see me graduate high school or college, be there for me on my wedding day, hold my newborn children, or hold me during that 'rough patch' when my life came crashing down around me. But I have survived. It hasn't always been easy, but it's not impossible. I am a survivor.
I've had 30 years to work with and through my grief. For you it may not be that long and so you stumbled upon this website looking for some magical words to heal your pain and make everything right with world. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to have the power to keep everyone from feeling the pain of grief, there are no magic words. But, don't despair, there is hope. What did I say earlier? It's not impossible. You will survive. Within each of us is the will and strength to survive. We have family and friends to help us through rough spots. We have, within ourselves, the power to work through our grief, through the pain and see the joy that is in our heart. It takes work, yes, but you can do it. You will survive.
Each of us is as unique as our fingerprints. So, too, is our grief. What works for me may not work for you, but with some guidance you can begin to work through your grief, find healing and survive the holidays. Ready to get started? Of course you are, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't. So let's start with 5 simple things:
One: Give yourself permission to laugh, cry, or sing. Whatever emotions you are feeling, let them out. There is no "normal" here, you feel what you feel. Give yourself time be true to your own feelings. If you feel sad, let those tears flow. If you feel happy, laugh out loud. It's all okay. (One word of note, though, if you find yourself overwhelmed so much with emotions so that you cannot function please seek professional help).
Two: Take care of you. Eat healthy and get enough rest. Often we try to bury our grief by taking on a lot of extra work, such as cooking, cleaning, an extra project at the office, etc. But that often can cause more problems later when the buried grief comes bursting out at some unexpected moment. Take it easy on yourself and know your limits.
Three: Get support. If you're feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. It's okay to talk to a counselor, clergy member or even a close friend who is willing to listen. Getting help is not limited to your emotional needs, either, if you need help with shopping, cooking, or decorating, it's okay to ask and accept help. If someone offers their sincere help, accept it. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. Don't feel as if you are a burden, people would not offer to help if they thought you were a burden. They want to help, you need the help, let them help.
Four: Help others. I know, this sounds contradictory to number three, but often helping others can be very healing. It does not need to be much, either. Little things you do can have a big impact on your heart as well as on others. Something as simple as dropping your loose change in the Salvation Army bucket outside the store can help take your mind off your own pain as you recognize that your small act of kindness will have a positive impact on someone else. If you're good on item number three above, you may want to consider volunteering some time at a nursing home, hospital, crisis center or homeless shelter. Purchase and donate a toy to a local Toy Drive or adopt a pet from a local shelter. There are a lot of things you can, big or small, to help others in need and, by doing so you help heal your own pain by helping others.
Five: Remember that, just like me, you are a survivor. Yes, you will survive the holidays. They don't last forever and you'll come out on the other side stronger and one step farther along on your grief journey. So step back, take a deep breath and know that you will survive because you are, in fact, a survivor.
Need more? Read tips for handling the holidays and/or listen to our podcast