Life Lessons from Mom

I was about 13 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I remember her being just a few months from the magical date that marked her official "remission" when the cancer bitterly returned. My mother was strong - always there for me and my siblings - never showing outwardly just how much pain she was really in. I remember her last breath like it was yesterday, yet it was over 27 years ago now. I was 16 years old, a Junior in High School when I sat on the edge of her bed, holding her hand and watched as she drew her last breath.

Looking back at those teenage years, I never could have imagined being here in front of you all today. I think it is safe to say that everyone in this room understands what it means to lose your mom. Each of us has our own story, but we all share the same grief.

I've been writing about motherloss for years. Oh, I've not published any great works of literature, but I have poured my feelings out in many personal journals. I've also typed up many words of support in articles and online "virtual" support to others who turn to the Internet as they desperately seek relief for the often overwhelming grief that comes like a tidalwave after the loss your mom.

And here we are today; here I am with you -- all of us in this room have come together to honor the person who gave us the most precious gift of all: life. If there is one thing I have learned these past 27 years, 6 months and 3 days -- it is that life is a journey, not a destination. Our mothers brought us into this world full of love and hope. Through her guidance our journey was to be full of wonderous adventures with her by our side! And yet with her gone you may be thinking "well, my adventure stopped when she was taken from me." Not so, I say. My mom, your mom, our mom began teaching us how to navigate through this journey from the moment we left her womb and drew our first breath. (and some may argue that even while in her womb we were learning!)

In thinking about this year's theme, "Lessons Learned from Mom," I first started to take an accounting of everything I learned from my mom. I looked through her old diaries, combed through copies of letters she had written and speeches she had given. Finally I got out a pad of paper and just started writing things down as they came to me. As the list began to take shape, I realized that since my first breath she has been giving me lessons. Lessons that continue with me today on my life journey.

As I looked over my list and tried to make some sense of it, a pattern began to develop. It seemed to me that the lessons learned from Mom were falling into three distinct categories. As I grouped them, I realized that the 3 categories represent 3 "legs" of my life journey. I call them my "3 G's": the growth years, the grief years, and the gift years.

THE GROWTH YEARS

The growth years are the fabulous childhood years and my early teen years, all those times before mom got sick. When I took it for granted that mom would always be there. always.

For a child these are the formative years. This is the time when I learned all the basics: walking, talking, sharing, caring, don't hit your brother, do your homework, smile, sit up straight, and on and on. Of course, I could go on about lessons I learned during this time, but Mom's stand out lesson from the Growth years is that I could do anything that I set my mind to do.

My mother was a faithful woman who was a stay-at-home US Navy Housewife until the youngest of her six children started school. When my younger brother started kindergarten, she went back to work (outside the home). Being the 5th of 6 children, I remember her as a working mother. She was proud and independent. She got involved in organizations, giving talks at church retreats, hosting group discussions at the house, and, of course, taking care of the family in between all that. As a teenager I was oblivious to what my mother actually did at her daily job. She was a Federal Employee working at the Bureau of Land Management -- and that's about the extent of what I know about the job she had for most of my teen years.

What I do remember, however, is how she taught me lessons during this time. She impressed on me to not let my gender get in the way of my success in life. I particularily recall her response when she saw my High School class schedule and it included "Typing" for one of the courses. -- now keep in mind that this was in the early 80's and computers were not a staple item in schools, offices and homes. I had signed up to learn how to use a typewriter, like a writer or secretary would do. She took one look at that and said to me: "I don't want you taking these 'stereotypical' classes. if you learn typing or shorthand then you will forever be marked as a secretary - a traditional woman's role. If that's what you want, then okay, but I see more in your future. Don't let stereotypes determine your path. Anything a man can do, you can do better."

That lesson has really stuck with me. While I did take that typing class and have had my share of many clerical and secreterial-type jobs, I did learn to expand my knowledge and skills. I built on that strong foundation of skills and with mom's words in the back of my mind, I stepped outside my comfort zone and reached higher. Reached for that corner office that was once occupied by a man.

One thing I know my mother would be proud about is the 10 years I spent working as a "woman in man's world" at the State Dept of Transportation. When I started that job, I distinctly remember sitting in my tiny cubicle that looked down the hall to the corner office - the corner office that belong to my boss' boss. I vowed that one day I would work in the office that HE now occupied. And you know what? This past November I moved on from that job at the Dept of Transportation and when I did, guess what office I moved out from? That's right: that same corner office I vowed to have 10 years prior. Mom was right and I did it.

To you young ladies here today (and even the not so young ladies :) ) I say do not let anything stop you from pursuing your dreams. If you want to work in a traditionally male-dominated role (firefighter, CEO, plumber, whatever!) Go for it. You can do anytyhing you set your mind to and anything a man can do, you can do better!

THE GRIEF YEARS

The foundation of lessons I learned from Mom during the Growth Years helped to prepare me for the next part of my journey - the Grief. This is the time in my life from about the time I realized how really sick mom was, through her passing and the years of grief that followed. These are the times when the intense moments of grief are so strong you often wonder if the world will ever be "right" again. Some of the hardest lessons in life I learned during this time. I certainly didn't know it at the time I was going through this phase, but the trauma and grief of losing mom and how I worked through this time in my life truly shaped my character.

About now, some of you who are at this point in your own life journey may be thinking "how can I possibly have learned any lesson at all during this time of my life?! I just want (or wanted) it to be over and done with! and how on earth could MOM possibly teach me anything when she is no longer here?" There was a point when I thought the same thing. And I wished someone would have shared with me some of what I'm about to share with you.

There were times during this part of my life when I was so lost that I literally did not think I would make it to see my next birthday - nor did I care if I did. I was so wrapped up in my grief that I could barely see beyond it. I admit, I was often selfish and bitterly insecure which often conflicted with my burning independent streak. One particular extreme moment I recall, but rarely talk about, happened when I was in college. I was in a relationship with a guy that I felt strongly about. I guess it's safe to say that we were 'serious.' One night we had gone out with several friends and something happened, I dont recall what it was that lead up this or the reason why, but he walked out of the nightclub we were at and just left. Just walked out, didnt take a car, a taxi, he just literally walked out. I was devastated, to say the least. A few of my friends drove me around looking for him. After several blocks of searching (it was late, he had been drinking, we weren't in the greatest neighborhood), I lost it. I jumped out of the car and ran like a crazy girl screaming. I just snapped. At some point I curled up in a ball next to a fence and rocked back and forth screaming at God to just kill me now. I couldn't take another person just leaving me. Suddenly all the emotions of losing my mom washed over me like a tidal wave. I felt worthless and lower than I had ever felt. I wanted to die. When my friends finally caught up to me I was hysterically rocking back and forth, chanting "I should have died, not her. Not Her!"

That was one of the most traumatic episodes I had during that time, I never actually attempted to harm myself but I did start going to counseling soon after that incident. This is the dark side of grief. In fact, I'd call it one of the deepest, darkest parts of grief. When you feel so desperate and alone that you can't even think beyond the immediate pain. I've been there - let me clarify - I've been THROUGH there. I walked that dark path.

And yet, having walked that path, I came out of it with something bright, somethind good - a lesson (or two) learned. The Grief years taught me that it's okay to cry - but when you've stumbled on your path and you find yourself in a pitch black hole of grief, sobbing, desperate, hysterical... you need to reach out your hands and get help. There are some things you simply cannot do alone. Having someone hold your hand and guide you through the darkness will allow you to move along this path of your journey faster and emotionally healthier than you can do it on your own.

Having gone through the darkness I learned that I am much stronger than I think I am. Mom told me that many times when I was a kid, but it took the darkness for me to really learn the lesson she taught me. Asking for help is by no means a sign of weakness. Sometimes it takes strength and courage just to reach out for help.

When I was talking with my sister a few weeks back I asked her what stand out lesson she learned from Mom. She told me that 'courage' was the biggest thing she learned from Mom and it was courage that got her through the Grief years in her life journey. She said that during the rough hours when she was near her wits end she would think about the courage mom had all those pain-ridden, struggling years in her short life. My sister went on to say that "Mom was always so strong and courageous and ready to conquer whatever life threw her way. Her courage helped her through the rough times and I prayed for that courage to help me, too. Even now, when times get tough for me, I still pary for courage." My sister added to that "So far," she said, "well, I'm here and I'm happy because the courage I learned from Mom gets me through my humps even today."

THE GIFT YEARS

So on my life journey I've been through the Growth years and survived the darkness of the Grief years to bring me to the third part of my journey that I call the Gift years. At first I wasn't quite sure how to describe this part of the journey. I looked back at my list of lessons learned and those that fell into this group are more about the realization of the lessons I've learned, using them and passing them on. Exactly the way Mom had done.

I thought about how to convey this part of my journey to you and it finally hit me when I was at a wedding reception of all places. You know how at weddings they have a "gift table?" That's the place where all the gifts for the bride and groom are placed on display. They don't open them there, but the Gift Table always seems to be a part of the decor at a wedding reception. As I stood there, admiring all the beautifully wrapped and adorned gifts with their perfect paper and fancy ribbons. I suddenly realized that this part of my life is much like those beautiful gifts. Inside each of those gifts is something wonderful that has been carefully picked out and wrapped up perfectly just for someone special. I don't know about you, but when I receive a gift like that, it's almost too beautiful to open. But of course, to get to the real gift you have to open it - cut the ribbon and rip the paper off - to reveal the gift inside.

The "Gift" years of my life have been like a pretty package. The lessons I was being taught during the Growth and the Grief years, Mom was handing me these lessons like a "gift" all wrapped up, I just had to rip off the paper and use them!
From the basics life lessons: Stand up Straight, eat your vegetables --To the harder, more intenses lessons: be assertive, you can do anything you set your mind to do, ask for help when you need it, cry when you are sad, laugh when you're happy, use your courage, you're stronger than you think are. She taught me all these things not only to make me a better person and be able to walk through the darkness and beyond, but so that I could use these lessons, these gifts to help others. The lessons learned from Mom were given to me by her words, her deeds, her life and, yes, even her death. That was her way of wrapping them into beautiful packages. And it's up to me to open them up, use them, grow from them, and share them. Because it's not so much the packaging, it's the gifts inside that are the lessons learned from Mom. It's in recognizing and accepting these gifts that I have come through the Growth years and walked out of the darkness of the Grief to the woman I am today.

Every day is a gift wrapped with her love, her memories, her legacy. And I thank you all for allowing me to come share them with you today.