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Musings.... Feelings

#1 User is offline   piskie1 

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Posted 20 September 2012 - 01:41 PM

“You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy. How dare I be glad in a world where my mother is no more. And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss her as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

Found this quote today and it make me think....have also been reading,again, 'F**k It by John C Parkin.

It's two years next week since mum died. If you've read my poems and posts on here you'll know it's been far from easy.My best friend and mother left this world far too early in my book.At 53 she could have,should have,had another decade or two in which to see her kids have her grandkids,to retire from a lifelong career...to grow old gracefully *( altho in her case most probably as raucausly as possible :)...

This time last year I was barely coping.In some ways I still feel as if I'm treading water...and this 'act ' will slip one day.I guess I think that right now I'm 'up' and that's not right.... coming upto the date she died I should be upset.....and yet althoguh I feel pretty upbeat and am focussing on the positives....a little insiduous nagging doubt keeps rearing its' head. Saying I should be upset.That come a week today I will be upset....and dreading that onslaught of emotion....wondering should I simply wait and see...or expect the inevitable and prepare? And if I am not upset and distraught on the actUal day,then is that ok too?
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#2 User is offline   signesmom 

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 07:15 PM

I loved your quote. So much of it applies to how I have felt. :)
And it does seem to echo alot of what you are saying is going on with you now.
The one thing you said about feeling good and then feeling guilty about feeling good really does happen. It's ridiculous and yet that's exactly how it feels. Thankfully it doesn't last for years to come and you will be truly happy, even just momentarily, and you won't feel guilty about it. You may just say to yourself, wow I feel happy right now. Look at me! I can do this again. I did that. :P
And it is okay to feel calm and peaceful on your mum's anniversary!! It's what I wish for you. :) Those are the best anniversaries to have!
I always felt guilty when I didn't do something special to memorialize her on her anniversary but I've given up that guilt and I try to remember that I can honor on ANY day, that it doesn't have to be special and it can still be in her memory :)

Peace-
Marg-Marlene's daughter
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#3 User is offline   piskie1 

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 01:30 PM

hmmmmm.I'm sort of confused.It's two years today since mum collapsed.Tomorrow is two years since the actual date of death-although to me today is the day she left this earth,when the doctors said she was experiencing no brain function,and her life support would have to be switched off.

Amd I'm just....I don't know.I feel strangely 'okay'....and feel wrong for feeling so ok.I mean I miss her,like crazy,and that applies every day.There isn't often a day that passes I don't think of my mum in some small way...and she crops up in conversation with her friends and my family always....although she isn't here physically,we still talk about her....and I guess that's a good thing.In our circle,we remember my mum everyday.....
However days like today to me are....wierd. This is only the second anniversary so I don't have a lot to base it on...but I've spent the past month or so knowing this date was coming,and expecting the same onslaught of emotion I felt last year.I expected I would literally cry all day today and tomorrow,and yet...I haven't.I went to work today.I happen to have tomorrow off,though didn't request it....and I just feel a bit .....vague.calm...like I should be upset,but I'm not....? :?
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#4 User is offline   Jami 

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 02:47 PM

I understand - it's that sort of 'guilty' feeling when you're actually having a good day or okay day and you suddenly realize that "wait! I should be grieving and in tears right now! but I'm not!" And you know what? that's prefectly okay!! Our moms wouldn't want us spending the rest of our lives in grief and tears. The moving forward and not crying or feeling like your heart was just ripped out is a sign of healing. It's not a bad thing. And you know else? you felt good and you didn't forget your mom - nor will you ever!

I think part of the guilt is that it seems we are forgetting her or that we don't care. but that's not the case we don't forget we move forward and the painful memories turn into the good memories and happy times we shared. it's a good sign that you feel that way! You'll still most likely have other days when you feel the grief, but it's okay to not have those feelings on the significant dates.
Jami,
daughter of Lois (\O/)
"first my mother, always my angel, forever my friend"
http://www.momshalo.org
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#5 User is offline   piskie1 

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Posted 15 February 2014 - 02:08 PM

View PostJami, on 30 September 2012 - 02:47 PM, said:

I understand - it's that sort of 'guilty' feeling when you're actually having a good day or okay day and you suddenly realize that "wait! I should be grieving and in tears right now! but I'm not!" And you know what? that's prefectly okay!! Our moms wouldn't want us spending the rest of our lives in grief and tears. The moving forward and not crying or feeling like your heart was just ripped out is a sign of healing. It's not a bad thing. And you know else? you felt good and you didn't forget your mom - nor will you ever!

I think part of the guilt is that it seems we are forgetting her or that we don't care. but that's not the case we don't forget we move forward and the painful memories turn into the good memories and happy times we shared. it's a good sign that you feel that way! You'll still most likely have other days when you feel the grief, but it's okay to not have those feelings on the significant dates.



Thanks ! sorry to be so late in responding! I hope you are well Jami.You offered me so much support when I last came on here .I will always be so greatful for your words of encouragement and understanding.
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