Podcast Notes for Episode #4

The article below accompanies the podcast and lists the suggestions given in the podcast. Listen to the podcast now then come back and follow up with the tips offered below.

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"My Mom has died. Now what do I do?"

When we first experience a loss, we go through a myriad of emotions - shock, disbelief, sadness, rage and the list goes on. No matter the cause of death - be it a sudden, unexpected death or death after a long-term illness - the grief of losing someone we love is a challenging, life-changing experience. One person's grief is not 'better' or 'worse' than anyone else's. It is as unique to each of us as a fingerprint. When our mom dies it's often a shock and, even if we knew the time was coming, we are still unprepared on what to do. Sure, if we are the one who is responsible for taking care of the estate and other "details" for her funeral and memorial service, we may have a checklist and can go by that. But that's not the thing I'm talking about here. I'm talking about what do you do for your emotional health and well-being. How do you deal with this grief that feels like a tidal wave of raw, painful emotion that has washed over you as if it is drowning your entire soul?

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I've said before, I don't claim to be an expert on grief. My knowledge and experience comes from the loss of my mom when I was 16 years old and the journey it has taken me on since that day over 25 years ago now. What I would give more than anything is to have a magic formula or secret words to give you that will make it all better so that you don't have to feel that emotional pain that I know all to well. But, sadly, no such magic exists. Instead what i can offer you is some advice on what you can do to help yourself begin the healing process.

In search of some advice especially for the newly bereaved, I spoke to a thanatologist. Many of you reading along here are probably thinking "a tha-na-what??" A thanatologist. Bascially, a Thanatologist is a professional who specializes in dying, death and bereavement and works with the dying and/or bereaved.

In May of this year I had the honor of meeting Regina Franklin-Basye, the founder of "Remembering Mom: The Barbara Franklin Foundation." In addition to being a certified thanatologist, Regina is one of the most caring and supportive women I have met. She agreed to talk with me about her mom, her Grief Journey and about the Foundation. You can listen to the full interview with Regina in the Mom's Halo Podcast Episode #4.. I asked Regina what advice she could offer to the newly bereaved. She offered the following "pearls of wisdom:"

• Recognize that you have experienced a traumatic and life-changing event. Decide that first and foremost you are going to take care of yourself. Self care is very important. Get plenty of sleep/rest, eat a well-balanced meal, exercise daily (even if it's just a 15-20 minute brisk walk). If you have to, schedule a nap during the day to give your body and your mind may require more sleep. If you have a family of course you also need to tend to their needs, especially if you have children. But do not forget the importance of taking care of yourself. You cannot take care of your family if you are not healthy. Exercise is a great stress reliever, something as simple as a brisk walk and stretching or yoga can have a big impact on both your physical and mental well-being.

• Journaling. If you are not used to writing things down, start by carrying around a journal. Regina would carry her journal around constantly after the death of her mother. Writing down your emotions and feelings helps you to express yourself in a way that releases the pent-up emotions allowing you to begin healing.

• If you are spiritual, pray and/or seek solace and comfort through your church and those who care for you.

• Talk openly about your grief. Don't be ashamed to have a "meltdown." As Regina pointed out, "tears are a beautiful way that show how much you love and miss that person in your life who is now gone."

• Create a "Safetynet List" of 5 or 6 friends/relatives that you can call when you need to talk and need some extra support. Those people who love you and really care would want you to reach out to them when/if you need it. Call them and let them know that you may call on them if you need some support during this difficult journey. Let them know that they are part of your "Safetynet." It is very helpful to have people in your corner that you can count on when you need support.

Your Grief Exercise

Now what I want you to do is to take Regina's advice above and put it into practice. Although I had asked Regina for tips for people who are in the early stages of grief, this exercise can be helpful to everyone. You are going to need your journal for this assignment, so get that out and ready. If you don't have journal, get one. A spiral notebook will work fine for a journal if you don't care about anything fancy.

1) Regina's first tip is to take care of yourself. Open your journal so you have a left and right side (hopefully your journal is conducive to writing on the left page, but if not, go ahead and use the right side as you normally would). On the left page (this would be the back of the previous page) write across the top of the page "What I did for ME today" and then under that list answer the following questions:

• what did you eat today? Did you eat healthy? if not, what can you do improve that? what did you do for exercise? did you take a walk, go to a yoga class, go for a bike ride? Remember, it doesnt have to be a lot, but 15-20 minutes a day of exercise not only helps your body but helps your mind as well.

• How much sleep did you get last night? Did you take a nap? did you do something to relax and rest your body and mind? Prayer, Meditation?

• did you do anything else special for yourself?

Now use the right page to go ahead and journal as you usually would for that day.

2) Regina's SafetyNet list. Now, somewhere in your journal, the inside cover (front or back) would actually be ideal, write across the top "My SafetyNet List." And list the names of 5-6 people that you can contact for support when you need. Put their phone number in there or, better yet, if you have a cell phone, program them in to your cell phone with a speed dial number and list that next to their name. Call each of these people and tell them that you would like to have them on your SafetyNet list. Explain to them, as Regina mentioned, that you may call on them if you are having a tough time and need some comfort. You may just want them to listen. Be sure that they know you may call on them and ask if they are okay with that. Let them know that you have a small network of friends on this list and you'd like them to be one.

Special Thanks

A huge "Thank You" to Regina Franklin-Basye for coming on the podcast and sharing with us. I hope her pearls of wisdom help you along your grief journey. You can contact Regina via email at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or visit the website at www.RememberingMom.org to learn more about her and Remembering Mom: The Barbara Franklin Foundation.

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