The Holidays Are Here... again

adapted for Motherless Children
from "Here Come the Holidays" by Joanne Cacciatore

The Holidays are upon us. Like it or not, everywhere you go you will be reminded of this fact. Christmas music will be playing in the stores, offices will be announcing annual parties and decorating throughout, and all around homes will begin lighting up with the annual Christmas lights. It can be a painful reminder of our loss, for Mom is not here to celebrate these special days with us. At times the grief can feel unbearable and you just want it all to end. A friend once said to me, "I just wish I could skip October, November and December. It's just too painful. I hate this time of year!"

So, do you hide away for two or three months and hope it all just goes away? Well, I suppose you could try... but there are better ways to handle the holidays. Here are some suggested guidelines for working through this time of year:

1. Be patient and realistic. Leave the word "ought" out of the holiday season. Plan your activities so that responsibilities do not become overwhelming. Accept and embrace the likelihood of the pain. Understand that you will feel pain and often become overwhelmed by your loss. By preparing yourself this way you will not set up unattainable expectations of yourself, your emotions and your behavior. At the same time, recognize that you will most likely have some pleasant and enjoyable moments and you should not feel guilty about that.

2. Prepare yourself for the potential insensitivity or general misunderstanding of others. Well meaning loved ones that do not want to see us in pain may try to hurry you through your grief. Some may insist on continually "cheering you up." Others may give you advice on what you should and shouldn't do or even how you should and shouldn't feel. While they mean well, only you know what is best for you. Claim your own feelings. Some of the various emotions you may find yourself faced with are:
   • Sadness- The loss can be overwhelming and you may find yourself reflecting on the way things should have been if Mom were here.
   • Depression- Many days, particularly some time before a critical holiday, you may feel listless, isolated and desperate.
   • Anxiety- You may feel frequent and sudden outbursts of emotion.
   • Anger- You may become mad at everyone and everything! You don't have Mom around to help you with those last minute dinner preparations while friends rave over their Mom's home-cooked meal. It is unjust! The anger may take hold and cause your patience to grow thin. It may not take much to provoke you during these periods.
   • Guilt- The "would've, should've, could've" thoughts are agonizing. Even when you know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent your Mother's death, the guilt still can hang over you like a black cloud. No amount of reason or logic can cleanse you of the sense of guilt. Try resorting to forgiveness of yourself.
   • Apathy- There are times, years after her death, that you may have almost no feelings at all. You don't care about anything, often similar to the feeling several weeks after her death. Numbness, confusion and disorientation are all ingredients of apathy.
   Don't hold back tears, but look for joy amid pain. Try to remember highlights of a loved one's life despite the heartache of the loss. Allowing yourself permission to claim your own feelings will lead to healing, reconciliation and the rediscovery of yourself. Keep in mind that feelings aren't right or wrong...they just are.

3. Listen to your heart and acknowledge your limits. Spend some quiet time and remember that it's okay to say "no." Attend to your physcial health, getting rest and exercise, and eating wisely. Take care of yourself and the memory of your Mother. The feelings of complete loss will surely hit you.

   But there are ways you can regain control of your life and memorialize the life of you Mother. It is probably best not to make drastic changes when you are early in your grief. However, the holidays also bring with them some great opportunities to turn your pain into something positive. New rituals can become part of your holiday traditions, in loving memory of your Mother. Here are some suggestions on how to include your Mom in your continued holiday traditions:

   • Celebrate the memory of your Mom by decorating her grave. Some people have a really hard time with this one, but I have found this to be cleansing. A visit to Mom's site is painful, yes, but being there and bringing some holiday decorations can bring her closer to you at this time. It is an emotional purging which can help the family to heal, remember and love together.
   • Sign up at a local mall to partake in a Christmas Angel Program. When you turn in the donation, be sure to include a Kindness Card with your Mom's name on it.
   • Donate the amount of money (or even some time) you would have spent on Christmas for your Mom to your favorite nonprofit organization, in memory of your Mom.
   • Add an ornament to your tree. Each year I buy a special ornament for each of my two children. I put their name on it and the year. A few years ago I began getting a special memorial ornament for Mom. I put her name on it and the year.
   • Make yourself some hot cocoa, put on some soft Christmas music, get out some old family photo albums and reminisce. Remember, allow yourself some time to heal, time to grieve and time to remember. If you have any brothers or sisters, you can all do this together. Make it a family event... laugh and cry together. This is one of the things that keeps my family close.

Once again, keep in mind that there are no right or wrong feelings. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal. Take some time out for yourself, if you need to, but remember to keep your memories fresh so your grief can grow stale.

(special thanks to Joanne Cacciatore for allowing me to use her suggestions and adapt them for Motherless Children)