Grief Therapy

When I was 16 years old my Mother died of cancer. It was devastating. At times I wanted to scream out "My Mom is GONE!" Other times I took to writing. I craved to talk about her, to tell everyone about her life, her death. The grief, the anger, the rage .... it swelled in me! I needed an outlet. When I realized no one really wanted to talk about it, I began to write about it. I wrote about her; I wrote about death; I researched grief; I researched cancer. When classmates began commenting on my obsession with the subject, I backed off a bit. I wrote less, I read less, I talked less about it. But the need for some sort of outlet for my grief did not go away.

If there's one thing I have learned after 17 years without Mom it's that I still need some sort of "grief therapy." Grief is not a single event, it is a process. As you progress through your grief you will discover it dissipating yet, at times, returning in full force. When these moments of overwhelming grief take over you will need to find an outlet for the grief. To help you through these trying times, I have compiled a list of things you can do to work through your grief. This list is comprised of suggestions from many of the Motherless Children who visit Mom's Halo. If you have something you feel would make a good addition to our list, please email me or post it on the Children's Room Forum.

Write About It

Writing is often one of the best therapies for the soul. It is often times easier to express yourself in writing than to talk with someone. Personally I have a very tough time expressing myself to others, but I find that sitting down and writing (or typing into the computer) helps me to express my emotions. Here are various ways to write down your feelings:

• Keep a Journal. Get yourself a notebook that will fit in your purse, daytimer or briefcase. When you are feeling overwhelmed or just need to talk but no one is around to talk to, get your notebook out and write.
• Write a Letter to Mom. This one is very therapeutic for me and several others have recommended this as well. You know she's listening. Just write out what you want to say to her.
• Compose a Poem. I'm not good at poetry but often times I find that some of my thoughts have a rhythmic quality to them. Many people enjoy writing poetry as it seems to have a calming effect to it. Try it some time, you may be surprised at the results.

Talk About It

Find someone you can confide in. Someone who will listen and not judge you and/or your feelings. If you don't have someone like this or don't feel comfortable with anyone you know, try seeing a counselor. Most health insurance offers counseling services. A counselor can be very beneficial as an outsider who will listen and help guide you through your grief. A word of note though, if you are uncomfortable with your counselor, but still need to talk, request a different counselor. Sometimes you just might not feel as comfortable with one counselor as another. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask to see someone else. Counselors are professionals. They understand this.

Listen to Music

This is a great recommendation from Amanda, daughter of Mary and Mike. Here is her suggestion:

"I find that listening to music is a great therapy for me. First I listen to songs that I know will bring on the tears so I can cry. Then I switch to music that my mother listened to; things I know made her smile. Then just plan old silly, happy songs. I always feel better when its over. Often I will try to do this when driving. I find driving to be very relaxing.. but I pull the car over when it's time to cry. I just find a long open road and go."

Volunteer Some Time

This is an excellent idea! What better way to honor your Mother than to volunteer your services to help others? Keep in mind though, not to busy yourself to the point that you bottle up your emotions inside. Here is what Pat, Ann's daughter, offers as a suggestion:

"Through all the grief and pain I have always tried keeping busy with my volunteer work as an EMT on a local ambulance/first response unit, and, I also teach EMT classes, Emergency Responder classes, CPR and First Aid classes. Mom was always so very proud of my work for the community....so, in keeping busy and continuing on I feel I am helping to keep her pride in me alive as well as our love for each other."

Meditate and/or Pray

Many people find this comforting. Find yourself a quiet place where you can be alone with your thoughts. Sit quietly or play some soft, soothing music. Just listen for awhile. Let your mind go and see where it leads you. Then try to clear your thoughts and pray or think about some of the happy memories you have of Mom. You may also talk to Mom as if she is there with you. Cry if you need to; don't hold anything back.

Share the Memories of Your Mom with Others

This can be extremely therapeutic but it can also be very difficult. If you feel you aren't quite ready for this, then take it slow. It can be (and probably will be) painful at first. If you have someone willing to listen, willing to hear and talk about your Mom, then by all means, talk and share! Talk about your Mom and some of the fond memories you have of her. The Children's Room here on the Mom's Halo website is a great place to share memories about your Mom.

Join a Support Group

Being able to share with others who can directly relate to your experience is an excellent form of therapy. How many times have you wished you could talk to someone who would understand how you feel? I mean really understand because they have gone through the same thing. Well, that is what a support group is all about. That is also what Mom's Halo is all about. A place to get together and share with others who have lost their Mother. Or, call your counselor (or health insurance) to find out if there is a support group you can join in your area. If neither of those work out for you, you may want to consider forming your own support group. (You may want to get some assistance from a counselor or similar professional, though).

This list is not all-inclusive. You may want to check the entries in the Children's Room and the Children's Room Forum for additional suggestions. Also, remember, if you have something you feel would make a good addition to our list, please email me or post it on the Children's Room Forum.